The Davinci Code Film

Yo Stupid People

"God said "Let Newton be, and all was light""

I have just been to see that ripping yarn The Da Vinci Code at my local
rural fleapit.

Well, it was an exciting enough film, action, intrigue, a hint at
sex....disappointing not to have a bit more rumpy-pumpy when you cough up
yer hard earned dosh for a night out....mystery,...and, my dear... the
very campest of gear for those old drag queens the Papist clergy,.... the
usual components of fantasy run riot.

Anyway being a practical sort of soul.....I have no problem with the idea
of Jesus being married, unusual for a Rabbi not to be in his day...doesn't
worry me a jot or compromise my beliefs....but I do notice some pretty
glaring cock-ups on the down-to-earth front....and thats just ignoring the
little things like passport control at Biggin Hill Airport, appropriate
currency being to hand for the bus ride,....did they pee anytime?...or
eat...? etc.

Firstly getting immediate access to Westminster Abbey these days is a
no-no! You practically have to marry the Dean's daughter, bribe the
Chapter and bludgeon various security bods just to get in for a quick
Abendschrei (1662).....then there's access to the Choir Screen and the Newton Memorial....VERBOTEN!!!! As for the very suggestion that there
might be dust on the Abbey floor allowing someone to leave a
footprint....well, thats a downright insult to the army of cleaning staff
who are DEVOTED to their duties. Then there's the Cloisters....ever seen
them empty except for someone badly disguised as an Anglican Sister
beavering along with a pile of books? Forget the idea of a triple tryst of
good and evil in the Chapter House....just leave such up to the
Clergy....thats their prerogative.

Over to gay Paree now. Yep, its real easy to nip in and out of
Saint-Sulpice....do it all the time myself. No problem in whacking one's
way through a marble floor with the odd bit of ecclesiatical impedimenta
either....don't worry if you forget and leave your Black and Decker at
home....

Okey-dokey, so we are off to Scotland and the Roslyn Chapel.....no harm in
that....I like the way all the scrolls, documents etc etc, some dating
back donkey's years, survive un- mouldered a couple of crypts down in such
a damp climate..not a drip to be heard.....my Postman gets my papyri wet
most days and its disintegrated before it gets through the letter
box...still, obviously no problem up in Scotland....reckon they never
heard of papier mache past Hadrian's Wall.

I could witter on about this for yonks....one gaff after another...mind
you I am glad that the Abbey and the Middle Temple geezers got a
presumably fat filming fee...thats cool.

I s'pose I am just a party-pooper....mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.....
Actually I am a firm believer in the tradition that Jesus lived in Britain
having popped up the Bristol Channel with Uncle Jo on a tin trading
scam...no really, ...you mock I wean!!! Thats what Blake meant by "And did
those feet....", so I am planning a bestseller called The Priddy Code
(Prie Dieu Code)....set in the Mendips....(interestingly Priddy has its
own type of snail I recall)....and we can all pop along to the Chalice
Spring for a nice refreshing handful of mineral water after a romp up
Glastonbury Tor.

But I digress from the matter in hand.....watching Tom Hanks poncing
around pyramids outside the Louvre on his blindingly obvious Damascus Road I realised where the film had gone badly wrong. And I mean real bad,
folks.....the final resting place of Mary, wife of Jesus is
....well....where else could it be... under the White House Lawn in the
good old USA!!!